作者：NGamer Staff

好游戏为何可以在众平庸之辈中脱颖而出？这其中当然与它们一些内在元素相关，例如出色的关卡设计，或者游戏风格到位，以及一些时常容易被忽略的细节。但即使是最棒的游 戏，也可能因一些偷工减料或者漫不经心的设计而自毁前程。

在本系列文章中，我们针举例盘点几种常见的游戏设计失误之处，并对其进行“审判”。在这些审判中，我们是法官、陪审团和执行者。

Rubberband AI

被告：《马里奥赛车Wii》

指控：执行称为“rubberbanding”的机制来改变比赛的结果。也就是说，无论你在表现得有多好，你最强劲的对手总会在最后的转弯中以反常的速度超过你。

原告：这种做法在被告的家族中有着悠久的历史。rubberbanding欺骗玩家，完全破坏了游戏进程中的潜藏技能和技术。

辩护理由：你认为这是rubberbanding，但我们把它称为“动态游戏难度平衡”。我们已经玩过大量在30秒的时间里就可以把AI甩在5英里之外的竞速游戏。这有什么乐趣呢？通过 这种方式，我们至少可以保证你在没段赛程中都可以体验到竞速的快感。我们当然应该受到奖赏，因为《马里奥赛车》系列游戏已经有所演变，我们对固有的rubberbanding依赖性 已经减少了。

裁定：有罪

审判：尽管《马里奥赛车》的罪行极其恶劣，但是法官承认在多人游戏部分不得不多次休庭，因为这个部分确实受到玩家的欢迎。在自我控制方面，rubberbanding本身并非是邪恶 的事物。正如被告方所声称的那样，它可以保持竞速过程的新鲜感，如果使用得当的话可以使游戏大大获益。

但是这并不代表可以不负责任地胡乱使用这项机制，出于这个原因，我们判决《马里奥赛车》进行300小时的劳作，然后让一只趿着高跟鞋的猿猴在这期间不断踩踏被告的脚踝。

再犯可能性：9/10。rubberbanding是种很流行的开发捷径，而且其使用量正在不断增加，尤其在竞速和运动模拟游戏中。

无法跳过的过场动画

被告：《Metroid: Other M》

指控：强迫玩家坐着观看冗长的过场动画。

原告：我们能够理解，有些玩家注重游戏中的故事。但是客观上来说，游戏中99.999%的脚本质量不高，而且我们还无法跳过。无论如何，当代开发者没有理由不在过场动画中添加 跳过功能。

辩护理由：我们花了大量的时间和金钱来制作这些过场动画，所以你应当要看看。而且，你只需要看一次而已，玩第二遍游戏时你可以直接跳转到核心内容上。

裁定：有罪

审判：这种做法反倒降低了游戏的质量。你已经知道有些玩家会想要跳过动画，但是你仍然故意置之不理。我们本来打算给你减轻判决的罪行，但是我们注意到你甚至都没有添加 暂停的功能。我们判决你坐着观看121集《Lost》，不可起身。期间要有导演的评论，而且有大号的爱沙尼亚语字幕。

再犯可能性：5/10。幸亏这种做法已经大量减少，但是《Samurai Warriors 3DS》依然是挑战人们忍耐力的典型案例。严肃地说，玩家根本不需要那么多的过场动画和剧情来激发 他们畅玩游戏。

玩法转变过快

被告：《雷曼3D》

指控：强迫玩家跃入未知领域中。下面等待他们的是什么？由于劣质的视角设计，玩家根本不知道自己将进入怎样的地域。

原告：当你想起《雷曼》系列游戏时，两件事情会立即跃入你的脑中：暴力谋杀和信任跳跃。现在，GBA的《雷曼Advance》应当为他的罪行接受死亡判决。

法庭或许可以回忆起，该系列游戏中的无意识死亡屡见不鲜，而且这种做法在游戏中被滥用。向3D的转变丝毫不能满足《雷曼》的杀戮欲。

辩护理由：你知道为什么自己会出现这种问题吗？你根本不了解《雷曼》。你根本不理解我的角色设计手法。你根本不理解我在游戏中完美地融合了史努比和《Steps》中的H这两 种角色。

众人对DSiWare版本中添加的小地图大加赞扬，难道你觉得这不能解决玩法转变过快的问题吗？因为这才是《雷曼》，对于那些无法理解游戏设计的人，自然什么都不会体会到。

裁定：有罪

审判：《雷曼》有1047条罪宗，此外还应对玩法转变过快而造成的大屠杀负责，终生监禁是唯一合适的审判。而且，我们偶尔还会在你的牢房中巨人食鸟蛛。祝你好运！

再犯可能性：4/10。这种问题在2D平台游戏中很常见。不过，业内严谨的游戏测试已让这种情况在今日较为少见。

狂吹麦克风

被告：《大金刚赛车DS》

控诉：当按压一个按钮（或者什么都不用做）便可以做到的情况，却要求玩家对着DS那个出了名迟钝的麦克风咆哮。

原告：《大金刚赛车DS》最早出现在任天堂64（游戏邦注：N64，任天堂公司开发的第三代家用电视游戏机）上。而此次的DS移植版本的每一个关卡都如实地复制了原版本的内容， 如适当的速度感，8名玩家相互竞赛，并拿掉了Banjo这个人物角色（出于版权原因）。

在游戏中你可以乘着气垫船开启第二个世界，这个世界就像洞穴一样环绕着你。为了启动那些愚蠢的设备，你必须吹响麦克风三秒钟。对于专业的长号演奏者来说这个时间都能让 他们气喘吁吁了，更何况是普通人。

好吧，当你的心肺再次恢复后，你将可以继续进行游戏了，但是这时你将会发现你的DS触屏上覆盖着一层恶心的薄雾，真是无语！

辩护理由：我们只是在合理地利用DS的特殊功能。我们只是在用一种刺激的方法进行革新。为了缓解争辩的局面，我们想要指出《大金刚赛车DS》的一些创新之处。

DS游戏机“通过使用触控笔在屏幕上摩擦而推动游戏的进行”的机制（在竞赛开始前玩家将有0.1秒的时间去搁置触控笔），以及一点都不乏味的第一人称设计部分，特别是《大金 刚赛车DS》中突出的吹响麦克风设置都凸显了DS的特殊新功能。

同时…啊，好吧，我的律师建议我不要再说下去了。

结论：有罪

裁决：被告罪过很深。我们不得不将你车上的加速器换成一个巨大的玩具风车。祝你好运吧，你这个吹牛大王。

再犯可能性：6/10。甚至连强大的《塞尔达传说》也踏上了这条不归路。如果游戏中能够添加一些富有创新性的灵感，将会带给玩家不一样的体验。

情节发展过于模糊

被告：《最终幻想：光之四战士》

控诉：未能清楚地告诉玩家该怎么走或者下一步要怎么做。

原告：尊敬的法官阁下，《光之四战士》无视了受害者（即玩家）的心理健康，并且有证据证实这一切都是蓄意的阴谋。我们的侦查人员在中央处理器CPU周围发现了一些蛛丝马迹 ，即他们曾经研究过早前角色扮演游戏中使用过的折磨方法，包括8位进制时代里使用的设备。

当你在游戏中到达一个全新的城市后，被告（该游戏）将强迫你撞击每一扇门，打开每一间屋子并与每一个无聊的非角色玩家进行对话，听从他们愚蠢且没有帮助的建议，直到最 后你找到那个能够帮助你继续前行的人为止。

辩护理由：我选择为自己辩护，尊敬的法官阁下。魔药可以恢复你的能量！魔药可以恢复你的能量！你可以在村庄里的商店购买新的道具！魔药可以恢复你的能量！

当你在战斗中使用了移动功能，那将耗尽你的行动点数。而魔药可以恢复你的能量！开拓者只是没有好好思考一下而已。魔药可以恢复你的能量！

结论：有罪

裁决：为了让游戏更能体现出冒险性，这还真的是很多RPG游戏开发者惯用的招术，以便能够在原本已经够畸形的游戏中多添加5个小时甚至更多的游戏时间。

判决：被随机流放到俄罗斯乡下的某些地方，距莫斯科机场大约有40-50小时的行程。并且只能通过向当地人问路而寻找方向。

再犯可能性：2/10。这是如今很多游戏开发者极力避免的设计。他们应该尽全力提供给玩家明确的指示，公开的（如路标）或者隐秘的（如巧妙地使用灯光去吸引玩家的注意）。

恼人的护送任务

被告：《丧尸围城》

控诉：将玩家与一些无能且没有任何方向感的笨蛋组合在一起，并希望玩家能够安全地护送这些没有价值的人进行游戏。

原告：《丧尸围城》的时间安排并不合理。屏幕上慢吞吞前行的僵尸以及玩家需要承担起的护送任务都大大降低了游戏的乐趣。而且寻找逃脱出口的任务也很乏味。

辩护理由：我方承认，很多早前游戏中出现过的护送任务确实很无聊，但是我们却不知道为何你们偏偏选中《丧尸围城》作为批斗对象。

这款游戏的前提是，你是一个笨蛋，并尝试着去帮助其它笨蛋到达安全的地方。假如你从鞋店救出一个毫无自卫能力的老奶奶，她怎么可能突然使出功夫向路人踢了一脚……这种 情况岂不是很不协调了吗？

结论：有罪

裁决：如果你看到这个老奶奶能够跋山涉水前行的话，那么她在揍僵尸一拳也就不矛盾了。护送任务的设计宗旨是让玩家能够形成一种责任感，培养关心NPC角色生死的意识。

《丧尸围城》确实做到了这一点。但是因为你让这些玩家变得如此愚蠢，并为他们的烦恼而沾沾自喜，所以你应该受到惩罚，你的余生将与一只粘人的狮子狗——僵尸狮子狗永远 “捆绑”在一起。

再犯可能性：10/10。护送任务这种设计永远不会灭亡。

冗长的教程

被告：《索尼克释放》

指控：将玩家看成是从未接触过游戏手柄的老古董。

原告：可以看到新的索尼克游戏确实很棒，但是在畅玩游戏时忽然暂停，然后出现“按A键跳跃”的提示语句（游戏邦注：玩家随后按A键继续）。接下来，游戏中出现了更多的教 程提示。

为什么不一次性说清楚呢？每次都通过停止游戏进程来展示教程，而每个教程解释的都是很基础的，为人所广泛接受的游戏概念。

被告：你玩过大量的游戏，但是开发者也需要顾及那些经验不足的玩家，尤其是在受到老年人喜欢的Wii游戏中。

裁定：有罪

审判：如果是这样考虑的话，那么就要将教程展示设计成可选项，或至少不那么具有冒犯性。我们欢迎那些无缝融入动作中的教程，但是它们不可影响到游戏的流程。你要接受的 处罚是：进行神经系统移植，让你在夜间随机说出“按A键打呼噜”这句话。

再犯可能性：10/10。这种做法屡禁不止，即便现在已经出现了纸质的教程。

不断让玩家搜索

被告：《逆转裁判：复苏的逆转》

指控：在杂乱无章的地区中隐藏对叙事至关重要的道具，然后强迫玩家去寻找。

原告：所有玩过指向点击类的冒险游戏的人都很熟悉这种游戏玩法特征——物品隐藏得毫无意义，而且关键在于，你必须要去寻找这个隐藏物品。

尽管事态与旧时的《King’s Quest》（游戏邦注：在这款游戏中，有些道具的高和宽只有1个像素）相比有所缓和，但是在《逆转裁判》中，你也需要走过3到4个场景才会发现装 着道具的包裹。

被告：我反对这项指控！你在游戏中扮演的是侦探，不是吗？侦查便是你的职责。游戏经常被指控所有东西随手可得没有深度，但是我们让你去做些事情，你就觉得很麻烦。

裁定：有罪

审判：这里的问题不是我们必须去寻找某些东西，而是我们从一开始就不知道要去寻找什么东西。这是游戏脚本质量不高的象征，令人称奇的是，像《逆转裁判》这样的大作也会 犯这种错误。我们会释放你，但是也会警告你。如果再犯这种错误，我们将把你的手铐的钥匙藏在朴茨茅斯城的一个隐秘地点。

再犯可能性：7/10。只要指向点击冒险游戏存在，这种问题就会继续出现，但目前许多PC游戏中开始包含强调当前场景中所有互动性物体的提示。这种做法就好很多了。

难度混乱

被告：所有的DS版本《恶魔城》游戏

指控：结束简单的关卡或事件链之后，面对的是极其复杂且有难度的BOSS战斗。

原告：尊敬的法官，原告想要向法院提出的是，如果去除所有的BOSS战的话，《恶魔城》系列游戏会更加受人喜欢。我们并非歧视或反对游戏中包含BOSS战斗，但是它们不应当比 之前的关卡历程难这么多。我们没有因期盼下个拐角会出现的东西而感到兴奋，我们在游戏中经常会为即将看到破坏进程的BOSS而感到担心。

被告：这难道不算是主观意见吗？对于其他人来说，BOSS战是游戏的亮点，Boss Rush模式的流行便可见一斑。它们扮演着守门人的角色，标志着游戏中某个章节的结束，在继续进 行下去之前先测试你学到的技能。如果游戏移除所有BOSS的话，你们难道不会说我们单调乏味吗？

裁定：有罪

审判：尽管被告方的辩解有一定道理，但是我们还是支持原告的说法。正是由于《恶魔城》中的BOSS战难度设置不当，导致整款游戏蒙上了阴影。对你下达的判决是：吃4年美味的 糖果，然后接受1年痛苦的牙科手术。

再犯可能性：6/10。尽管世界各地都有游戏犯下这等罪行，但日本游戏中尤为普遍（游戏邦注：Konami和Capcom是这种做法的“惯犯”）。

相关拓展阅读：篇目1，篇目2，篇目3（本文由游戏邦编译，转载请注明来源，或咨询微信zhengjintiao）

Gaming’s most frequent design crimes

Part 1: Cut-scenes, blind jumps and AI…

Well, we’ve had enough of these crimes against humanity, particularly as some of them have already shown their face on 3DS, mere days into the new console’ s lifespan.

So court is now in session! Over the next few weeks we’re going to take to task 12 of the most commonly repeated design faux pas seen in today’s games. We ’ll hear the cases both for and against, and then we’ll decide on a suitably ironic punishment.

But remember one thing: in these courts, we’re the judge, jury and executioner, and defendants are always found guilty…

Rubberband AI

Defendant: Mario Kart Wii

The charge: Fixing the outcome of races by implementing a mechanic known as rubberbanding. That is to say, no matter how well you race, your biggest rival will always be lodged up your exhaust pipe, ready to fly past you at a preposterous speed on the final corner.

Case for the prosecution: There’s a long history of chequered flag-thievery in the defendant’s family, your honour. Rubberbanding cheats the player and completely neuters any underlying element of skill or technique the game might possess.

Case for the defence: You call it rubberbanding, we call it ‘dynamic game difficulty balancing’. We’ve all played a racing game where you’re five miles out in front of the dozy AI pack within 30 seconds. Where’s the fun in that? At least our way, you’re guaranteed racing thrills and spills from flag to flag. And surely we deserve time off for good behaviour – as the Mario Kart series has evolved, we’ve become less dependant on natural rubberbanding, with the items serving to level the playing field.

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: Although Mario Kart’s crimes are heinous, the jury acknowledges that we’ve repeatedly had to adjourn court for multiplayer sessions and this does stand in its favour. Rubberbanding in itself is not a bad thing in moderation. As the defendant states, it keeps races fresh and exciting and if used judiciously can greatly benefit a game.

But it cannot be allowed to run unchecked, and for this reason we sentence Mario Kart to 300 hours hard labour, during which time an ape in high heels will repeatedly tread on the defendant’s ankles.

Chances of re-offending: 9/10. Rubberbanding is a popular developmental shortcut, and its use is on the rise, particularly in arcade racers and sports sims. Sure beats all that laborious playtesting and balancing palaver, right?

Unskippable cutscenes

Defendant: Metroid: Other M

The charge: Forcing the player to sit through an endless procession of interminable cutscenes.

Case for the prosecution: Oh look, it’s Samus! And here she is again, being all introspective and angsty! And now a panoramic sweep of her metallic buttocks! And now it’s time for another unintelligible internal monologue! And now… OH GOD MAKE IT STOP!

Look, we understand some people play games for the story. That’s their prerogative. But objectively speaking, 99.999% of gaming scripts would get laughed out of an amateur dramatics theatre, and we can’t bypass them quick enough. Either way, there’s really no excuse for developers not putting in a skip function in this day and age.

Case for the defence: Look, buster, we’ve spent a lot of time and money rendering Samus’s crevices, so you can bloody well sit there and watch our cutscenes. And anyway – you only have to endure them the once. On the second playthrough, you can skip away to your heart’s content. You big babies.

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: But that just makes it worse, doesn’t it? You were aware that it was something that sane people might want to do, and yet you deliberately withhold it from them. Tsk. We were going to let you off with a slapped wrist, but then we noticed you didn’t even put in a pause function, so in light of this new evidence you’re sentenced to watch the entire 121 episodes of Lost in one sitting. With the director’s commentary turned on. And the large print Estonian subtitles.

Chances of re-offending: 5/10. Thankfully this practice is in sharp decline, but there are pockets of resistance Samurai Warriors 3DS is a topical case in point. Seriously, how much context does a player need to have before they’re sufficiently motivated enough to slice a feudal warrior in half?

Leaps of faith

Defendant: Rayman 3D

The charge: Forcing the player to take a leap into the unknown. What awaits them down there? A nice, comfortable ledge, or a stalagmite up the unmentionables? Thanks to shonky camera work and/or poor design, it’s impossible to tell.

Case for the prosecution: When you think Rayman, your honour, two things spring immediately to mind: violent murder, and leaps of faith. The GBA’s Rayman Advance is currently serving a life sentence for its crimes.

As the court might recall, unforeseen insta-death was so frequent, and so indiscriminately applied, that several members of the jury openly wept as the court played footage of the Mr Skops level. The transition to 3D has done little to satisfy Rayman’s bloodlust.

Case for the defence: You know what your problem is? You just don’t get Rayman. You don’t get my awesome character design. You don’t get that I’m the perfect blend of Snoopy and H from Steps. You don’t get that the Rayman Advance port was so mind-bendingly authentic that we didn’t even attempt to scale the visuals down from the original.

Where’s all the praise for the DSiWare version adding a mini-map, which all but took leaps of faith out of the equation? That’s right – because it’s Rayman, who you don’t get, there is none. You lot can go jump.

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: Defendant is found guilty of 1,047 counts of being Rayman, and several lesser charges of leap-of-faith-facilitated mass murder. Life imprisonment is the only suitable course of action. Also: we’re going to occasionally hide goliath bird-eating spiders in your porridge. Good luck with that, you hateful freak.

Chances of re-offending: 4/10. This was more often a problem with 2D platformers. Rigorous play-testing means that nowadays, it’s relatively rare (if not unheard of)

On Part 1 of our crusade to take gaming’s most frequent design felonies to task we took a look at Rubberband AI, as seen in games such as Mario Kart, unskippable cutscenes a la Metroid: Other M and Rayman 3D’s Leaps of faith.

This week we’re holding court for game’s that make you look silly in public, leave you high and dry without a clue and force you to babysit. Court is in session…

BLOWING INTO THE MIC

Defendant: Diddy Kong Racing DS

The Charge: Making it mandatory to huff and puff into the DS’s notoriously unresponsive mic, when a button press (or in this instance, doing absolutely nothing) would suffice.

Case for the prosecution: Diddy Kong Racing DS begins life as a pretty awesome port of the N64 classic. Each level is faithfully reproduced, there’s a reasonable sense of speed, eight players can race each other locally and Banjo is nowhere to be seen.

Then you unlock the second world – and the hovercrafts – and your world caves in around you. To boost-start these cretinous devices, you have to blow into the mic for three solid seconds. That’s long enough to leave even a professional trombone player gasping and panting in a blue-hued heap on the floor.

When, after much CPR, you’re finally able to continue with the game, you’ll find that your DS’s touch screen is now coated in a permanent haze of disgusting mist. Rubbish!

Case for the defence: We’re only trying to make good use of the Nintendo DS’s unique features! That’s what we – Rare! – do! Innovate in irritating ways! In mitigation, we’d like to point out the other ways in which Diddy Kong Racing DS innovates.

There’s the ‘furiously rub the touch screen with the stylus to boost’ mechanic (which is doubly engaging because you then have 0.1 seconds to find a home for the stylus before the race starts), some first-person shooting sections that are in no way tedious, and yet more blowy bits, this time in the main hub.

Also… ah, my lawyer has advised me to never, ever speak again.

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: So very, very guilty. We’ve been forced to replace your car’s gas pedal with a giant toy windmill. Good luck getting to work tomorrow, you blowhards.

Chances of re-offending: 6/10. Even the likes of the mighty Zelda fall for this one. Cute when used as a novelty, mind.

VAGUE PLOT PROGRESSION

Defendant: Final Fantasy: The 4 Heroes Of Light

The charge: Not making it clear where you’re supposed to go or what you’re supposed to be doing next.

Case for the prosecution: The 4 Heroes Of Light shows reckless disregard for its victims’ mental well-being, and there is evidence of premeditated malice, your honour. Our detectives poked around its CPU and found evidence it had researched archaic torture methods as used by the RPGs of old – including this sadistic device from the brutal 8-bit era.

When you arrive in a brand new town, the defendant forces you to knock on every door, open every hut and chat to every single boring NPC to hear their stupid, obvious advice, until you finally find the one guy capable of giving you the information you need to press forward with the storyline.

Case for the defence: I’ve chosen to represent myself, your honour. Here goes: Potions can restore your energy! Potions can restore your energy! You can buy new items from the village shop! Potions can restore your energy!

Each time you use a move in combat, you use up Action Points! Potions can restore your energy! The developers just didn’t use their brains! Potions can restore your energy!

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: This is a really cynical trick RPG developers pull to make their games feel more like an adventure, and allows them to add another five hours or so onto the already monstrous run-through time on the back of the box.

Their sentence: to be dropped off in a random location in rural Russia, a mere 40-50 hour’s walk away from Moscow airport. Ask the locals for directions.

Chances of re-offending: 2/10. This is a pitfall that modern day developers are anxious to avoid. They go to great lengths to clearly signpost where the player should go next, either overtly (waypoints) or covertly (clever use of lighting to draw the player in).

ESCORT MISSIONS

Defendant: Dead Rising: Chop ‘Till You Drop

The charge: Teaming you up with some of the most incompetent, directionally challenged halfwits, and then expecting you to nurse their worthless behinds to safety.

Case for the prosecution: Time hasn’t been kind to Dead Rising. Take away the joy of a hundred shuffly zombies on-screen at the same time and you’re left with a gruelling gauntlet of exhausting escort missions. Their path-finding is pathetic, their will to live non-existent.

Case for the defence: While the defence concedes that escort missions that have been crudely crowbarred into any old game are annoying, we don’t know why you’ve decided to single out Dead Rising for criticism.

The entire premise of the game is that you’re a regular schmoe, trying to help other regular schmoes make it to the safehouse. It would seem incongruous, to say the least, if the defenceless granny you’d just rescued from a shoe store suddenly started kung fu kicking people’s heads off…

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: …but not as incongruous as the sight of her wading her fists into a sea of zombies when the coast is clear. Escort missions are designed to give the player a sense of responsibility and culpability, and to make them care about whether the NPC lives or dies.

Dead Rising certainly achieves this. But by making them so inhumanly stupid you are actively pleased when they cark it. A fitting punishment is for you to spend the rest of your life shackled to a needy poodle. A needy zombie poodle.

Chances of re-offending: 10/10. Escort missions. Will. Not. Die.

Check back tomorrow when we’ll reconvene to dish out some more punishments to gaming’s biggest offenders.

So far we’ve called out rubberband AI, unskippable cutscenes, leaps of faith, blowing into the mic, vague plot progression and escort missions – and we’re far from done. Court is in session again!

LONG-WINDED TUTORIALS

Defendant: Sonic Unleashed

The charge: Treating the player like they’re some kind of cack-handed idiot from the year 1833 who has never so much as seen a joypad before.

Case for the prosecution: Alright! New Sonic game! This is going to be so frickin’ fast. If this doesn’t melt our faces off, then with God as our witness, our faces will just have to remain a melt-free zone. Here… we… GO! *Action immediately grinds to a halt* “You can press the A button to jump (press the A button to continue).” *Action resumes* *Sonic jumps over a couple of tiny cliffs. The level ends* Hnnnnng.

Well, at least it’s a one-off, and it won’t be followed by an endless succession of similarly patronising tutorials, each one onerously explaining a basic, widely used gaming concept to the minutest detail? Right? Sega? You’ve gone awfully quiet over there.

Case for the defence: Yeah, but you’re a load of battle-hardened old hacks who’ve played through thousands of games in your lifetimes. I mean, look at you! Even your clothes have been forged out of old DS cartridges. Developers have to cater for the inexperienced too, you know – especially on the grandma- friendly Wii.

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: Then make them optional, or at the very least unobtrusive. We welcome tutorials that seamlessly blend into the action, but when they disrupt the flow of the game? Well, then you’ve crossed the line of decency. Your punishment: to be fitted with a neural implant that blurts ‘Press A to snore!’ at random intervals during the night.

Chances of re-offending: 10/10. They can’t be stopped. They’re maniacs. Even more so now paper-based manuals are on the way out…

KEEP SEARCHING…

Defendant: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (& Sons)

The charge: Hiding narrative-crucial items in a cluttered area and then forcing the player to get down on their hands and knees and DIG FOR IT.

Case for the prosecution: Anyone who’s played a point ‘n’ click adventure before will be instantly familiar with this howler of a gameplay ‘feature’ – the fruitless search for a hidden object that, critically, you don’t even realise you need until you’ve found it.

While things have got a little less oblique since the bad old days of King’s Quest (where you’d be expected to notice an item that was only a single pixel high and wide), Phoenix Wright is not above making you traipse around three or four screens until you finally discover the sweet wrapper (or whatever) that was preventing Phoenix from just getting on with his life.

Case for the defence: OBJECTION! Ahem. You’re supposed to be a detective, aren’t you? Go do some detecting, you bum. Games get accused of hand-holding all the time, but as soon as we ask you to do something, it’s all ‘wah, wah, wah, I don’t want to root around in a bin’.

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: The problem here isn’t that we have to go looking for something – it’s that we have no idea what we’re searching for in the first place. It’s a sign of sloppy scripting and it’s disappointing that even mighty point’n’click heavyweights such as Phoenix Wright fall into this trap. We’re going to let you off with a warning though, ’cause you’re so damned funny. One thing though: we’ve hidden the key to your handcuffs somewhere in Portsmouth.

Chances of re-offending: 7/10. As long as there are point ‘n’ click adventures, this flaw will continue to resurface – but many contemporary PC games now include a key that highlights all the interactive objects on the current screen. Much better (well, a bit better).

DIFFICULTY SPIKES

Defendant: All the DS Castlevanias

The charge: Rounding off an easy-peasy level or chain of events with a cement mixer-hard boss fight.

Case for the prosecution: Your honour, the prosecution would like to put forward to the court that the Castlevania games would have been far more enjoyable if they’d abandoned the boss fights altogether. We’ve got nothing against boss fights per se, but there is no reason for them to be this much more difficult than the platforming sections that precede them. Instead of being excited to see what was around the next corner, we spent our time in a constant state of dread, waiting for the next progress-ruining impossi-boss to rear its head.

Case for the defence: This is subjective though, isn’t it? For other people, the bosses are the highlight of the game, as evidenced by the popularity of the Boss Rush mode. They serve as narrative bookends and gatekeepers, closing one chapter of the game and testing you on what you’ve learned before allowing you to progress. And if there weren’t any bosses, you’d have a pop at us for being one-dimensional and samey, wouldn’t you? Hmpf. We can’t win with you games
critics.

Verdict: GUILTY

Judgement: The only sulking you’ll be doing… is in JAIL! Ha! We should totally have become crime drama writers. But anyway: although the defence makes a solid case, we’re going to have to side with the prosecutors here. When the boss fight difficulty levels are as poorly judged as they are in Castlevania, they throw a cloud over the entire game. You’re sentenced to four years of eating delicious sugary treats – and one year of painful dental surgery.

Chances of re-offending: 6/10. This is a common ailment among Japanese games (Konami and Capcom are the biggest repeat offenders), although crimes have been reported worldwide (A Boy And His Blob Wii, we’re looking at you).

Check back tomorrow when we’ll reconvene for our final session of punishing gaming’s biggest offenders.