作者：Leigh Harris

大约在一年多前，或者说是我开始创造第一款游戏的3，4个月后，我陷入了深度抑郁症，并开始接受药物治疗。因为之前所从事的是促进工作，所以我不会受到压力的侵蚀。尽管抑郁症的类型有多种多样，专注于其中一个元素（或外部元素）并不能将其彻底根治，但是根据我的自身经历，我将在此阐述有关工作情况的内容。

我只想说，随着时间的流逝，我变得越来越难控制自己的想法且保持集中，而这对于整个项目，团队甚至是我自己都是非常不利的。

我所强调的这些阶段都是基于自身的经验，并不是说所有人所经历的抑郁症情况都是完全相同的。

depressedy（from gamesauce）

1.否认

在这个阶段我主要否认了两种情况：我的确遭受着抑郁症的折磨，并且我真的在努力追求着创造性。待在否认的庇护下，我仍然可以花费几个月的时间进行创造，而生产效率也不需要去解决这一问题。

当人们患上了抑郁症时，其表现形式往往与无法下床或不能做一些正常的事的情况不同。他们将变得焦躁不安，并坚定除了过度精神外没有什么是错的。我似乎并未出现过这种焦躁的反应，不过我的确固执地认为自己的工作没有任何错。那时候的我真的非常难受，就一个劲地拒绝承认别人的否定。

这种想法将一直侵蚀着你。在去年的上半年，我一直逼着自己相信任何事物都是没错的，并在中旬时才最终愿意接受自己的想法是错误的。

2.自我怀疑

在之前，我和哥哥从未创造过任何游戏，但我们都相信自己拥有足够的能力，这一点能够有效地支撑着我们投身于长达两年的游戏开发项目。而当我们其中一人的心态开始发生变化时，另外一个人也很容易受到影响。我的观点并不能代表Rohan的观点，但是在2012年7月份的时候，我真的坚信我们的游戏并不是一文不值—-尽管没人会关心这点，因为那时的游戏并不可能取得较高的销量，并且所有评论者都认为这是一款糟糕的游戏。当然了，那时候它的确处于这种状态，但作为一款初期测试版游戏，没有人能够预测它接下来会发生怎样的改变。

在不具有任何预算的业余开发中，自信便是推动着我们完成游戏的最重要元素。我们知道自己成功的机会很小。因为我们没有发行商，没有财政支持，没有免费且有效的业务模式，并且还面对着充满强大竞争者（Android）的市场（不断吞噬着用户基础）。

我们都知道必须努力完成这一项目。在这一方面我们俩都很固执。但是当开过过程变得更加艰难，且游戏范围远远超出预想时，我们内心的自我怀疑感开始逐渐膨胀，即开始认为自己在一开始就不是创造游戏的料，而那些相信我们的人真的看走眼了。

可以说我的自信是基于对信念本身的无知，并且我唯一能够感受到的便是别人的失望。

3.无力

在意识到事情的发展变得多么糟糕时，我做出了很大的努力才愿意承认自己的失误。在这一阶段，我发现自己一直挣扎着想要做一些日常琐事。

我无法起床，总是莫名其妙地流眼泪，不能进行任何人际交往，并发现任何与我亲近的人要么就是太忙，要么就是不报任何关心。

所以我最终自己站了起来并出门看医生，开始经历漫长的治疗过程，并最终决定接受抗抑郁药治疗。之前就有人建议我这么做了，但是那时候自己真的太过固执了，拒绝了一切劝告，一味地相信自己的抑郁是受到外部元素影响，并终将得到解决。而当我将所有能够指责的负面元素用光后，我便只能开始正视自己日益恶化的状态。幸好一切都是朝着好的一面发展。我最终又开始创造电子游戏，这也是我在年轻的时候就想做的事。我拥有灵活的工作时间，个人项目，好朋友，并且我也会每天到当地的咖啡馆里阅读一些有关哲学的书籍。

在这一阶段出现时，我所面对的是较轻的游戏任务，即只需等待其它元素的整合。我们已经完成了早期设计文件的创造，并只需要等待之后的调整和平衡便可。

在去年8月和9月，我从全职工作中抽出更多时间用于自己的游戏项目中。因为创造游戏是我那时的主要推动力，但我也不得不为了养活自己而进行全职工作，所以便导致我难以兼顾两边的事。

4.隐藏自己的想法

与临时中断项目一样糟糕的是，我将自己的问题完全藏在心里。我们的各种承包商都依赖于我和Rohan去引导他们完成图像，动画和音频等创造任务，但是让一个沉默寡言之人去引导项目却是非常没用的。如此我会变成别人生产效率的阻碍以及开发的瓶颈。或至少那时的我是这么想的。

所以我身边的人便开始认为我并不在乎游戏，或者不关心他们的工作，不相信他们，或者想要通过给予他们更多自治权。当然了我希望更多人的想法是后者。

Rohan能够加强并引导我们的团队，这一点非常重要。而因为我们不能同时做到这一点，所以才出现这一问题。

5.应对机制

虽然我想写下许多有效的方法，但遗憾的是，我只能提供我与哥哥之间诚实且开放的交流，我们能够在双方都未挣到钱，并且需要养活家人的时候长时间地支持着彼此，但是因为我们所做的是从未尝试过的事，所以也充满了压力。

我们希望能将游戏带到PAX Australia展会上去吸引更多人的注意，而随着7月份的逼近，我们不得不增加工作时间，并喝大量威士忌让自己保持清醒。

我当然知道，独立开发者世界中总是充斥着自我怀疑与担忧。我写下这篇文章是为了告诉人们这种抑郁情绪对于开发过程会造成多大影响。药物治疗在一定程度上能够帮助我稳定情绪，但是更加重要的是，我必须诚实地看待自己所经历的，并与Rohan等任何能够帮助我的人进行交谈，而不是一味地将所有心思投入在游戏中，特别还是在已经失去判断力之时，并且当自己处于最糟糕时刻时，切忌产生任何不实际的期望。情况允许的话你还可以一天工作一两个小时，但是请不要试图强制创造出任何生成效率。这便是我在应对压力时所总结出来的一些方法。

并不存在绝对的方法能够帮助我们应对抑郁症。我只是利用身边一切可能的事物去保持自己神志清楚并乐观向上。而现在我更愿意听取一些轻微的批评意见。

而当别人开始认为我们的作品“真正完成”时，我的状态将会变得更好，并且那时候我们需要面对一批又一批真实的批评。

真心希望到那时候我能够更加倘然地面对一切。

（本文为游戏邦/gamerboom.com编译，拒绝任何不保留版权的转载，如需转载请联系：游戏邦）

The 5 stages of depression in game development

by Leigh Harris

A little over a year ago, or about 3-4 months into the development of my first game, I fell into a very deep depression for which I have since been on medication and in and out of therapy. It’s entirely possible that, given my previous career involved promoting work by others, I’d had distance enough from that work not to let the stress (and there was indeed much stress) get to me. Although with depression of any kind, focusing on one factor (or even external factors at all) isn’t exactly healthy, so I only bring up the work situation because it’s pertinent to my experience here.

Suffice to say, it’s been more and more difficult with each passing month to keep my head up high or down and working, depending on where it needs to be, and I feel it’s been detrimental to the project, the team and to myself in stages.

I should stress that these are stages I’ve identified in my experience only, and I certainly don’t suggest that these are uniform and are felt in the same way by everyone going through depression of any kind.

1. Denial

Not quite as clear cut as the simple name suggests, I’ve experienced denial of two things primarily: that I actually have been suffering from depression, and that I am actually pursuing a creative endeavour and really putting myself out there. Within the comfort of that denial, I was able to spend many months still being productive, and with productivity comes no need to address the problem.

When some people experience depression, it comes in a form which is markedly different than the stereotypical inability to get out of bed or do normal, everyday things. They can instead become manic, acting stalwart as though nothing is wrong except for an excess of energy. I can’t say I ever reached had that kind of manic response (my depression has tended never to take that particular form), but I certainly did find myself persisting in my work as though nothing was wrong. I just had an unpleasant feeling of being dragged down which I refused to acknowledge was there.

It eats away at you. I was going through this stage of allowing myself to believe everything was ok for the first half of last year, finally admitting something was very wrong mid-year.

2. Imposter Syndrome

Being that myself and my brother had never attempted to create a game before, but believed we had the ability, it was vital that we be able to stay strong throughout the almost two-year project of making a game. With one of us starting to flag under the surface, it became very easy for the other to do the same. I can’t speak for Rohan, obviously, but I certainly felt that as it reached around July of 2012 that the game we were making wasn’t going to be worth a damn – that no one would care, that it wouldn’t sell and that (worse still) all the critics (many of whom are known to me personally) would think it was a broken game with nothing to offer. Of course, at that stage it was, but it was pre-alpha, so no reasonable person should’ve expected it to be in a different state.

Operating on no budget except for our part time jobs, our ability to believe in ourselves was (and is) of the utmost importance in getting the game finished at all. We know the odds are against us. We’ve no publisher, no finance, no free-to-play silver bullet business model (which is all the rage these days) and are entering an increasingly crowded market whose main competitor (Android) is eating away at the user base month by month.

We always knew we’d finish it. We’re both stubborn like that. But when things got tough during production and the scope of our game kept on proving larger than we’d thought, the usual process of self-doubt one might feel in that situation was amplified by my willingness to believe that I hadn’t the talent to do game design at all in the first place, and that anyone who believed in me simply didn’t know any better.

It didn’t matter if it was a partner, friend, family member, colleague or even a stranger who I professionally respected. Faith in me and my abilities was based (in my mind) on ignorance on the faithful’s part, and the only thing it ever made me feel was that I was destined to let yet another person down.

3. Paralysis

Upon realising how bad things had gotten under the surface, I had to take the big step of actually admitting to myself that I was far from ok. This phase was really kicked off by that dreaded moment in any trough of depression where I found myself struggling to do basic everyday tasks.

I couldn’t get out of bed, was on the verge of tears for no apparent reason, couldn’t stomach human communication and was finding reasons why everyone close to me who’d want to help out in such a situation would be either too busy, not care, find it too hard to deal with – any other number of useless and baseless suppositions.

So I finally picked myself up and went to the doctor, started on the journey (not for the first time in my life) of going through therapy and at 28 years old, finally decided to accept anti-depressant medication. It’d been suggested to me before but, being as I am stubborn, I always refused, believing my depression to be caused primarily by external influences which could be resolved. It was only once I’d run out of negative things in my life to blame that I became truly concerned with my ever-worsening state. Thing were going really well. I was finally making a videogame, something I’d wanted to do since a very young age. I had flexible work hours, personal projects, great friends and I made sure to give myself time to read philosophy at my local café every day of the week.

That this phase came at a time when my work on the game was at a relatively light stage waiting for other elements to come together was the only saving grace for it. The major early design document work had been done and the fine-tuning and balancing was awaiting further features to be ready.

So, last August and September, I pulled right back from work which wasn’t vital (read: paid). As much as creating this game is my main driving force for personal growth these days, I did as much as I had to do for my paid job so I could eat and pay rent, and everything else fell by the wayside.

4. Hiding

Almost as bad as my temporary hiatus from the project was my being on board but struggling to communicate with people, trying to keep my problem to myself while working with Rohan to lead the team. Being as our various contractors rely upon myself and Rohan to direct them in creating the artwork, animations and audio for our game, an uncommunicative and distant person directing the project is particularly useless. I’d become a road block to others’ productivity, bottlenecking development. Or at least, that’s how I felt.

To those around me, it might’ve either seemed like I didn’t care about the game, or about their work, or (as a best case scenario) that I trusted them and wanted to demonstrate it by way of giving them a lot of autonomy. I certainly hope the latter is more the case.

Rohan’s ability to step up and handle a lot of the directing of our team was vital here. Had we not both been in a position to do so, we might have been in a really problematic place.

5. Coping Mechanisms

As much as I’d like to pen a fifth stage in which everything works out fine, sadly the best I’m able to offer is that with completely honest and open communication between myself and my brother, we’ve been able to support each other through a time where neither of us is making much money, a lot of people are depending on us, we’re putting ourselves out there in a way we’ve never done before and… well… it’s stressful.

Really stressful.

We’ve committed to paying a not insignificant amount of money we totally don’t have to get down to PAX Australia to reveal our game, and as July creeps ever closer, we’ve been increasing the amount of time spent needing to vent at one another, second-guess ourselves (because that’s always helpful) and drink copious amounts of Whiskey to try and deal with it all.

I’m sure indie developers the world around have similar phases of self-doubt and worry. My writing this is more designed to illustrate how utterly detrimental it has been for me to have a (hereditary I think) depression crippling me at various times throughout the development. And it’s not going anywhere. The medication and therapy has helped to stabilise me to a large degree, so I don’t find myself struggling to eat, sleep or get up at this point. But by and large, the way I’ve been coping is to be honest with myself about what I’m going through, make sure to communicate it to Rohan and to those who can help me, not put so much time into the game that I lose a sense of perspective (which, as any developer will tell you I’m sure, is very easy to do) and just learn not to have unrealistic expectations when I’m enduring a low point. To work for just an hour or two in a day if that’s all I can handle and not try and force productivity where there can’t be any. All that does is strain what’s left of my ability to handle stress.

There is no sure-fire way through this. I’m just having to rely on those around me to keep me sane and optimistic. I’m severely more likely to take any mild criticism to heart right now.

The fun part, I guess, will be when it’s time for our work to be considered ‘final’ and we actually do have reams and reams of genuine criticism to wade through.

So I guess I can only hope that I’m in a better place than I have been when the time comes.(source:gamasutra)